It’s Better to be Kind Than Correct
A Conversation with Renée Brown Harmon, M.D., Author of Surfing the Waves of Alzheimer’s, Principles of Caregiving that Kept Me Upright
2 min read
Amazing Place recently invited Renée Brown Harmon, M.D., nationally recognized author of Surfing the Waves of Alzheimer’s, Principles of Caregiving that Kept Me Upright, to lead a caregiver workshop for more than 60 individuals in Houston, Texas. Dr. Harmon’s husband, Harvey, also a physician, was diagnosed at age 50 with Alzheimer’s, turning their lives completely upside down. She and her husband were in family practice together and had two teenage daughters at the time of his diagnosis.
Dr. Harmon sat down with us to share a few of the insights she learned about caregiving and surviving the impact that dementia had on their family.
Amazing Place
You learned a lot along the eight-year journey with your husband. Are there a few foundational tips you think are important for caregivers to know?
Renée Brown Harmon, M.D.
First, you have to remember to enter your loved one’s world. Step into their shoes. You must go to where they are, because your reality no longer exists for them.
Second, always keep an open mind about who is “on your team.” I frequently found that my greatest support went beyond friends and family. Doctors, accountants, and neighbors were among those I counted on.
Finally, always remember to put the mask on yourself first. You can’t be the best you can be if you don’t take care of yourself. Look at all the aspects of your life: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Then find what brings you personal joy. For me, I continued doing things I always loved and found new hobbies, like knitting and crocheting, that I could do while sitting with my husband.
Amazing Place
How do caregivers maintain a positive attitude?
Renée Brown Harmon, M.D.
Oh, it’s very difficult. I found that staying connected with others and keeping those connections really helped. And, for me, being outside, exercising, and really finding joy in small things made a difference.
Amazing Place
Was it hard for your friends to know how to offer support and comfort when your husband was diagnosed?
Renée Brown Harmon, M.D.
I think the secret for friends and family is to treat the person who’s been diagnosed as normally as possible. Include them in your conversations. We would actually invite friends to dinner with us once a week. Once they realized that we could still talk about kids, sports, and the like, they realized it was okay to still be friends. It was good for all of us.
Amazing Place
Your writings are often punctuated with allusions to nature? Why is that?
Renée Brown Harmon, M.D.
I have always loved nature. And I see connections with caregiving and the natural world. I think of myself as a tree. The roots of a tree are deep and provide me with the grounding I need as a caregiver to stay strong. Then there’s the trunk. I think of the trunk as myself. It, too, is strong but bendable in reaction to what’s happening around it. Flexibility as a caregiver is key.
And then there are the limbs of a tree. I think of my limbs as that protective layer that reaches out to care for the person you are caring for, and my family, embracing the world around it. And the leaves of a tree? That’s where we gather energy from and stay connected to the divine. It’s important to remember that we are not lone trees in a forest. All of our roots are interconnected and together we make the forest stronger.
Amazing Place
Are there gaps in what caregivers need to know?
Renée Brown Harmon, M.D.
One thing I think people need to hear over and over again is that it’s better to be kind than correct. We want to correct them and present the truth, but trying to correct them will just frustrate everyone involved. White lies, what I call “therapeutic untruths,” go a long way. It’s so much better to give those you care for their space and just love them unconditionally.
Renée Brown Harmon, M.D., resides in Birmingham, Alabama, where she has recently retired from a twenty-nine-year career in family medicine. She and her husband, the late Harvey Scott Harmon, M.D., shared responsibilities at their medical practice, and at their home with two daughters, until Alzheimer’s disease forced his retirement. She is the author of the teaching memoir, Surfing the Waves of Alzheimer’s: Principles of Caregiving That Kept Me Upright and writes a weekly blog on topics related to Alzheimer’s disease and other dementias. Renee’s blog and past video presentations can be found on her website: www.reneeharmon.com