Coping With The Long Goodbye
Arlene Schollaert, MSW, LCSW
3 min read
One of the most difficult hurdles that caregivers of those suffering with dementia face is grieving for someone who is still physically present but may be emotionally or cognitively unavailable. Known as “ambiguous loss,” these situations can create confusion. Pauline Boss, PhD and Family Therapist, developed this theory in the 1970s. Because there is no closure or finality in immediate sight, this ongoing loss can be confusing, and is not always publicly acknowledged or socially supported. The result is that family and friends are more isolated in bereavement and reactions are complicated during a long goodbye.
So how do you cope through an extended grieving process? Amazing Place Family Services Director Arlene Schollaert, LCSW, shares that caregivers experiencing ambiguous loss as defined by Boss need to work toward resiliency in order to maintain a sense of well-being. Finding ways to rise above traumatic episodes, to regain your energy and to stay flexible are not only possible but can provide your life with new meaning.
Arlene points to Boss’s six guidelines as a path to gain a sense of resiliency when faced with ambiguous loss.
1. Find Meaning in Your Own Life
Look to what is important to you personally. When your loss is unclear, the search for meaning in life may be unclear as well. Remember that meaning can come from the community, family, friends, your church, or other outlets such as support groups that are significant in your life.
2. Adjust Mastery
Realize that you are in the driver’s seat, so realign your expectations related to controlling the situation. With ambiguity and uncertainty in our life, we must adjust our need for ultimate control to achieve resiliency. In moderating our need for control, we are better prepared to handle situations when things don’t go our way or we encounter hurdles with no solutions.
3. Reconstruct Your Identity
Ambiguous loss can cause loss of identity for both the person with dementia and the family member. The trauma you feel from ambiguity disrupts the ability to think clearly about who you are and what is expected of you. While tolerating an identity that is unclear and a bit vague, it’s time to re-establish who you are as an individual. You may find that a long-lost hobby or learning something new helps reshape who you are.
4. Normalize Ambivalence
Resiliency in these situations depends on knowing that conflicted feelings and emotions such as, “I wish my husband to be both alive and dead,” are normal. Recognizing such ambivalent feelings in order to manage them leads to resiliency. Talking with a professional or peer group can help process these feelings.
5. Revise Attachment
Accept the shift in your relationship with your loved one. The attachment one has for another person may stay the same but there is a categorical difference in the relationship. Recognize that your loved one is both here and gone. It is important to grieve what you lost but celebrate what you still have. For example, your loved one may not be able to partner with you in decision making but can still share your mutual love of classical music.
6. Discover New Hope
Boss tells us that working through these guidelines results in discovering hope. While loss remains unclear, finding hope requires constant re-evaluation and discovery of realistic things to be hopeful about. The good news is that the process of discovery never ends and hope, when realistic, builds resilience. Never forget that the world is filled with opportunities to enjoy, so laugh with family members, enjoy a sunrise or master a new recipe. Do what makes you happy and your life will be filled with new meaning, hope and resilience.
If you or a loved one is experiencing ambiguous loss, reach out to Arlene at Amazing Place. She can be reached at aschoellaert@amazingplacehouston.org.